Pucker Up and Klaine: Stalking Adventures
by Sweet-kandi
Summary: Mini drabbles about Puck stalking Klaine on their numerous dates. Me and another author, Zackk, take turns writing! Hope you enjoy! Rating may change.
1. Lady and the Tramp Style

Damn, that sexy piece of ass! No, damn it! Quite getting distracted, Puckerman! But that ass! No! Fuck! There they are!

I watched as my men Kurt and Blaine came into Breadstix. I don't know why they even come here. The food sucks. Anyway, they sat down a booth away and I hid my face behind my menu.

"Blaine, sweetie, what should we order?" Kurt asked Blaine while the shorter guy looked over the menu.

"I'm not sure." Blaine was indecisive. Now I have to make my move. Luckily, I had the same waiter as them.

"Hey, you see that couple over there?" I asked the loser who brought my drink. I pointed in Klaine's direction. The dumbass nodded. "I'm ordering for them."

"Very good, sir." The kid nodded and got out his pad and pen. I ordered spaghetti for them. "Are you paying for them as well?"

"Hell no. They got their own damn money." I scared the kid away. Then he came back with my food before the spaghetti came.

"Let me see that pen and paper." Without waiting for his reply, I grabbed both and wrote a note. I handed the note to the moron and told him to bring it with their spaghetti and not to tell them who ordered it or I was going to make sure he never spoke again.

The waiter had a stupid expression on his face when he brought the spaghetti over to the two.

"Here's your dinner, sirs. The person who ordered it also left this note." He said while placing the note on the side.

"Oh, thank you!" Kurt looked shocked and glanced at Blaine confused. Blaine just shrugged.

"What does the note say, Kurt?" Blaine asked. Kurt stifled a laugh.

"It says, 'Eat it Lady and the Tramp style.' And on the back it says, 'Pay for your own damn shit.' Well, that's… nice…?" Kurt asked. Blaine tilted his head to the side.

"So… what the hell just happened?" Blaine asked. Kurt shrugged, but got a spark in his eye.

"I'm not sure but we should at least do what the note says." Kurt said as Blaine agreed and that was how the Klaine make-out free for all started. Needless to say, I was a happy Puck, with at least eight new girls to take care of.


	2. Sparkles

Sparkles

The things I do to get free peepshows of my boys.

I don't know how I got up here. I don't know how I passed for a stripper. And I certainly don't know why I would even consider doing this.

"Ladies and gays," the douche said through the microphone. "The moment you've all been waiting for!" The drumroll began and the introductions came after. "Super-Buns!"

_So lame_, I thought to myself.

"Tootsie Roll!"

_Lamer._

"KFC: Kentucky Fried Cheeks!"

_You've got to be kidding._

"Flying Squirrel!"

_Jesus Christ._

"And our newest addition: Sparkles!"

_Where the hell is my pocket knife?!_

A pair of sweaty hands shoved me onto the stage. The four real strippers took their places and began dancing and grinding and all that gay stuff. I hurried over to my part of the stage. I grabbed the pole and tried my best to search the crowd for my pair of love birds.

Then I spot them, literally sitting at the table in front of me. I was so glad I went for the damn mask. I tried my best to swing around the pole, but it was too slick from the last stripper's crotch sweat.

_Don't gag, Puckerman, _I thought to myself, _it's just stripping. Pretend none of the dudes are here, just the chicks. _

I gave them a few body rolls, some thrusts, a growl or two, all while watching Klaine through the corner of my eyes. They kept pointing at me and smiling. They were holding hands.

_Praise the Lord!_

"Come give Mama some that sweet stuff," a hot, blonde cougar shouted. I tried sliding over to her. My goal? To place the teabag into the mug, but it didn't exactly work out. I crawled over to her and she tried pulling me off the stage.

"Lady, chill!" I shouted over the music. "Meet me in the bathroom after the show. I'll make you forget about that lame husband of yours." She squealed, grabbed a five dollar bill from her pocket, and practically jumped on me to slide it into the seat of my underwear.

She stumbled back to her table and I did the worm back to my pole. Then, I spotted Kurt Hummel himself coming up to the stage with a dollar in his hand. His bed rattling partner Blaine was coming up behind him.

"I liked the worm move," Kurt declared over the blaring music. "Original!"

"Nice underwear!" Blaine shouted, pointing at Princess Leia. The Star Wars logo was printed along the waistband. They were my lucky underwear. I got the hottest girls with them bad boys on. Chicks love Leia, it's a proven fact.

They both took turns putting the dollars in my underwear. I expected them to skip back to their table, hand-in-hand with rainbows appearing everywhere they stepped. But Kurt stood there with an odd look on his face. "I know you," he said.

_Shit!_

"You look so familiar. I just can't put my finger on it."

_Gotta come up with something quick,_ I thought to myself.

"Hey, Blaine!" Kurt shouted. He waved the hobbit back over. "Does he look familiar to you?"

"Uh, me no speakay Englishay!" I replied panicky. "Mexicano gay! Um, hairay man, yum!"

_Seriously, where the hell did I leave my pocket knife?!_

Klaine gave each other confused looks and shrugged. "Keep on doing what you're doing," Kurt demanded.

_This was a terrible idea._

"It's conga time!" the announcer screamed through the microphone like those dudes at wrestling matches. Next thing I know, I've got four strippers trailing me, pushing me along the stage.

"Hands above the waist, dude," I said to Flying Squirrel who nearly pushed KFC to get behind me. Even dudes are attracted to the Puckerman. It's a gift and a burden.

"If you try to grab my ass, they're gonna have to change your name to the Ordinary Squirrel with a Boot Down His Throat."

And so we congaed across the stage with me yelling "Watch it!" every time Flying Squirrel poked me on the ass.


	3. I Do

"It's nearly time for the wedding." Kurt cried frantically as Blaine dragged him into the car.

"I don't care. We'll still make it in time for the vows." Blaine hurriedly tried to reason locking the door behind them.

"Blaine, we-" Kurt was cut off as Blaine crashed his lips onto Kurt's.

Kurt wanted to scream stop. They weren't together after all, but the feel of Blaine's lips on his felt familiar and right. He missed this. He closed his eyes and melted from the taste of Blaine. He held no hesitation when Blaine asked for entrance. He didn't bother to think. In a wrestling match of tongues, Kurt sensed things were getting heated pretty fast, and doing anything past this in a tux would be horrifying.

There was a gasp from Blaine as he pulled back. Kurt nearly whined in protest before looking on shocked at what had distracted Blaine.

"Puck?! What the hell!" Blaine cried in shock. Kurt's eyes widened as he looked at Puckerman who was in the back seat. Puck glared at them.

"Who the fuck told you two to stop?" Puck asked as if they had just robbed a bank. Kurt and Blaine's jaws fell open.

"Wha-? Get out!" Kurt cried in a high-pitched voice. He was so embarrassed. When the hell did Puck even get in the car?! There was knock on the car window.

Mercedes looked on at them with suspicion. "It's time for the wedding. Hurry up!"

Blaine and Kurt followed Mercedes out, but looked back at Puck when he didn't budge.

"Are you coming?" Kurt asked Puck. He shook his head.

"Nah, I'm skipping out." He said before two feminine like hands grabbed his collar roughly and pulled him down. "Chill out, woman!"

The car started rocking slowly. Kurt grabbed Blaine's wrist and with a confused look they walked off. Blaine finally whispered toward Kurt.

"Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"That's my car…"


	4. Sea World

SeaWorld

Usually during Spring Break, I head to the Jersey shore to see if I can find those chicks from the reality show. The show sucks donkey, but banging a reality star is on my bucket list before the Puckster here kicks the bucket himself. For this Spring Break however, that's not the case.

I heard through the grapevine – and by grapevine I mean through the grapevine I was hiding in the other week when Klaine took a trip to a winery – that my boys were heading to SeaWorld for Spring Break. Shamu isn't my kind of thing, you know, but Shamu means water, and water means splashing, which means wet, gay, kissing Klaine.

So I hitched a ride down to Florida with some red-head I made-out with at a gas station. She talked way too much, so put my headphones on and listened to my 80's rock playlist while I thumbed through the Klaine photos on my phone.

Jake called on the way down.

"Florida?" He asked. "Why are you going to Florida? The Jersey Shore girls live in Jersey, you know that."

"Well my little black brother, Snooki is just gonna have to wait for her turn on the Puckerman. Besides, maybe another year's wait and she'll finally grow that last inch in order for her to ride."

That night we finally made it to SeaWorld and I ditched the red-head. I snuck into the park and crashed in the Shamu stadium for the night.

I woke up in the morning to a kid crying bloody murder. I sat up, check my watch, and then pulled out my phone. I turned my GPS on so I could see where Klaine was. They don't know I track them, but then again they don't know I stalk them 24/7.

_They're in the park,_ I thought to myself. _It's Klaine time._

I hustled down the stairs of the stadium and followed the green dot that was Klaine. When my dot was on top of theirs, I looked around for those love birds until I finally spotted them petting the gay sharks.

I quickly grabbed the fake SeaWorld Staff shirt that I had made out of my bag, threw it on, and hid behind the trash can. I watched as Kurt and Blaine took turns petting one of the dolphins. Blaine kissed it, but Kurt was being a pussy and wouldn't do it. I was about to run over to the map kiosk and hide behind that for a better view, but I spot Rachel, Brody, and Santana coming up to my boys.

_Dammit, I didn't know those three were tagging along, _I thought to myself. _I need a better disguise._

Then my idea walked past me, all black, white, and furry. I grabbed the thing by the fin and pull him behind the trash can.

"What the hell, man?!" The loser in the Shamu costume said.

I took a twenty out of my pocket and gave him a glimpse of it. "I need the shark costume," I told him.

"But it's a killer whale-"

"Just give it to me before I pound you into the ground!"

He quickly took the costume off and gave it to me, demanding the twenty bucks. "Get out of here!" I growl, and I put the costume on.

Within seconds I was sweating more than a sumo wrestler in a sauna. I waddled over to the group and tapped Kurt on the shoulder.

"Oh! Hello, killer whale. Look at you, all fierce and in style."

Rachel hopped over and hugged me. "Isn't he adorable?!" she squealed.

"Are you supposed to be Shamu?" Blaine asked. He was wearing a wife-beater shirt, as was Brody, and he wore sunglasses and a blue and white bathing suit that was way too tight for the little dude.

"Um, no," I said in a high, squeaky voice. "I'm, um, Shamu's third cousin, twice removed…Dexter." Santana rolled her arms and rolled her eyes in that bitchy way of hers.

"Well it was nice meeting you, Dexter!" Rachel the hot Jew said all cutesy.

"I would like to take a picture," I said. They all gathered up together.

_I just want a picture of my boys, not you New York shoobies._

"Not you," I said pointing at the other three. "Just these two." Rachel, who looked mighty offended, backed away. I pulled out my phone and took a picture of them.

"Later," I said in my normal voice before I hobbled away as fast as I could.

Throughout the rest of the day, I kept following them around the park. I stopped every now and then so I could take the dumbass costume off and cool down. Finally, I could tell they noticed me stalking them.

"Hey, Flipper!" Santana said in her booty tight shorts and nut-busting tank-top. "Is there a problem?"

I simply shook my head. Damn she was looking fine. Tough luck she turned out to be a lesbian.

"You been to Lima Heights Adjacent?" she asked. "You don't want to mess with me, got it Shamu? I. Will. Beat. You. Down."

She spun around, her ponytail whipping through the wind like a whip, and walked back to the others with that fine-ass Mexican booty of hers. "Come on, Santana!" Rachel called. "We're going to be late for the show!"

I dove behind the restrooms, ripped the costume off, and put my clothes back on. What? I was burning in that costume! I had to do something!

Anyways, with my fake SeaWorld Staff shirt on, I crept along and followed them from afar. A smokin' Italian chick completely distracted me though.

"So how long have you worked here?" the girl asked.

"A few weeks," I told her, "but I'm already a pro." I heard the Shamu show starting, which meant Klaine was going to get splashed soon.

"I gotta be heading out. I'm in charge of tranquilizing Shamu in case he was to rampage through the park." The chick stared at me confused. "Here's my number. Just give me a call when you need that "blowhole" of yours checked out."

I jogged towards the stadium, grabbing a pair of binoculars from a stroller. I spotted them immediately. They were in the second row directly in front of the tank, which is like ground zero when it comes to the splashing. I climbed the pair of stairs to the side and leaned against the wall with the binocs pointed at my boys.

They looked so happy, especially Blaine. Through that grapevine I was hiding in, I heard that he had always wanted to go to SeaWorld. That's when Hummel said they should go. That's also when they hid in the grapevine next to me to get it on full-on jungle style. Hot damn.

Grapes were everywhere, Jesus Christ.

Anyways, I watched as Shamu splashed his piss water on the group. I could hear Rachel screaming clear from where I was standing. I figured she would've been used to the breaching shit, you know, since she was engaged to Finn Hudson.

It was nipple city! Santana's were just like I remembered them: perky and totally Mexican. Rachel's was like Jewish heaven. The dudes' nipples were showing too, which I wasn't interested in. But then that changed when Blaine went and grabbed one of Kurt's nips and I almost fell down the steps.

Shamu splashed again, but this time Blaine shielded Kurt from the burst of water. Goddamn him, that protective little bastard.

The water literally knocked Blaine and his four-foot self onto Kurt's lap where he stayed for the remainder of the show. He looked like a little kid sitting in his mommy's lap, but man was it sweet. Gah, I love them.

You might want to stick around. Just wait until what happens in the hotel room.


End file.
